Happy 19th Birthday To Me!!!

Grabe pat you’ve been throughhhhh a looot of ups and downs .I know that you’ve struggled, lost a friend, failed, lost motivation and focus, but still youre here alive and kicking.

Grabeeee and wow. That would really describe kung anong nangyari sakin, sobrang dami kong nafeel.

But instead of ranting.At the end of the day i should be thankful for all the blessings that i have and will be receiving, there are things na i’m taking for granted,there are things na akala ko bakit of all people ako pa ung nakafeel ng ganito , but then maiisip mo na oy ang babaw mo, masyado kong in-stress ung sarili ko masyado akong nadown lalo na ngayong third year ako, nag self pity ako, self doubt lahat na , what if  ganito what if ganyan, pano kung hindi ko na kaya , pano na ung mga naniniwala sakin na kaya ko.Like gusto kong gumawa ng version ng sarili ko na puro positive lang ung sasabihin sakin, kasi siguro kung may meter of negativity na mag me-measure ng sarili ko lagpas na ko sa range.

I almost quit, I almost tried doing “that” thing but, natakot din ako. It was just a phase in my life.The problem with me kasi, is that when something bad happen, parang if there was a box full of  my own negative thoughts i’ll drown myself there hanggang sa mabaliw na ko , i will try to be positive and all kapag kasama friends and family , but when everyones gone, I’ll just stay in bed and magkumot na ko tapos ag play na ko ng sad songs.Totoo ung sinasabi nila na halos lahat daw ng nagsstay sa bed is malungkot, since nagstart  ung third year ewan feeling ko gumuho ung cheerful side ko, i mean kita mo pa rin siya sa pang-labas pero sa loob, girl onti na lang.Sobrang ang unhealthy ng utak ko ,physically(tumaba lalo,stress eating), mentally(failed quizzes and subjects), emotionally(nagkaron ng emotional breakdown) and spiritually( i even questionned Him “why now?” when everything is right around the corner, kung kelan malapit na ko sa finish line?).

I cried. . and cried a lot of times to my mom, and when i’m alone. sobrang frustrated ko.Pero nung nangyari lahat ng yan lalo akong mas napalapit kay Lord, every worship ko naiiyak ako, humingi ako ng tulong na sana mawala ung ganitong nararamdaman ko kasi feeling ko onti onti akong kinakain.Tapos yun , he never fails to listen.Siguro oo nga may rason kung bakit ko uulitin to, may rason kung bakit nangyayari mga bagay na di mo inaasahan.Mas napalapit ako kay Lord.

Gusto ko magsorry, kasi kailangan pa mangyari to bago ako humingi ng tulong, sorry po. Lord thank you at hindi mo ko iniiwan tuwing kumakatok ako sa inyo, Thank you Lord, sana po ay patuloy niyo lang po akong gbayan at yung mga taong nagmamahal sakin.Bigyan niyo po ako ng lakas sa lahat ng bagay na tatahakin ko.

I would also like to thank my chicas/friends, thank you for always being there for me,for accepting who i am and for accepting my weirdness,and my uhhm singing prowess hahaha.Di ko maiwasang isipin na, what if magkakasabay tayo mag-intern?(putek self pity na naman haha) what if same tayo ng center? and iisang dorm lang tayo? medyo real world na ung internship lalo tayong magiging mas close you know hang outs and maybe i can continue and let out my “forbiden kwento”, iba iba personalities natin pero nag-click lang tayo.Thank you chicas for making me laugh, siguro iniisip niyo is baligtad kasi ako ung nagpapasaya sa inyo pero seriously makita ko lang kayo masaya na ko,ung tumatawa lang tayo ng walang dahilan or maybe kahit mababaw lang masaya na ko,pero ngayong nagttype ako medyo nakakalungkot pala,tsaka mamimiss ko ung adjustment period natin sa isat-isa, gusto ko sana mag cover ng song ung matino ah kaso tinatamad ako.Diba lagi ko kayong tianatanong kung 5 years from now where do you see yourself? eh kaso walang nagtatanong sakin puro sagot lang kayo kainis haha.I don’t know maybe after i passed the boards baka mag med, or maybe working in a “prestige” hospital haha, or maybe i will just live in the moment and go with the flow.I’m writing this down kasi for sure di ko to kaya sabihin sa harap niyo ng hindi umiiyak you know naman “hoooo nakakaiiyak”.Basta after ng reaserch/thesis natin sana close pa din tayo and sana makapag-vacation din tayo and makapag-swimming soon.And uhhm nahihiya ako kapag tinatawag niyo kong boss hahaha parang siga lang.And uhhh alam niyo super dami kong plans for myself like sabi ko dapat by this time ganito ganyan pero at the end of the day di rin siya naaayon sa plano ko masakit malungkot .”si ash” but, maybe the Lord has bigger and greater plans for me.

I’m sending my cyberhug and my  sweet caressssss(to hold me in the darkness tonight you calm my restlessness you relieve my sadnesssss  hahaha) to all of you love you chicasss and yes missssss ko na kayoooooo 🙂

 

its 1:55 na.again happy birthday self,you’re 19 na.always remember na when things dont go the way you expected, God has bigger and greater plans.

ALWAYS PRAY ,AND ASK GUIDANCE TO HIM 🙂

Mark 11:24

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Happy 19th Birthday To Me!!!